This time last year, the simple act of reclining was my dream. With thirty pounds overwhelming
my abdomen and another five unevenly dispersed between my wrists and ankles,
there was no reclining to be had. Baby might flip, they said, so I should lie on
my left side if I desired to lounge.
Otherwise, my options were to sit upright (which proved both boring and tiring),
stand (and allow gravity the opportunity to draw my puffiness down to what were formerly my ankles), or bounce on
my beloved Bosu ball (which forced me to finally
practice my kegel exercises in a feeble attempt not to wet myself).
Many of my pregnant friends are in the midst of similar
circumstances, which brings back all the memories. I’m also reminiscing because
Hadley’s first birthday is but a few weeks away (though in many ways, I still
feel pregnant, ha!). As they say, it goes by fast. Just shy of a year later, I think I finally have enough margin in my
brain to acknowledge the things I’m learning that deserve documentation. Lest
you believe I’m sharing with the goal of teaching you something, dear reader,
here is my disclaimer: I’m mostly writing to myself! These are the lessons I
want to remember for as long as God allows me the grace of being a mama.
Reminder #1: Don’t
hold onto methods. Hold onto Jesus.
Mommy advice is helpful… sometimes. It’s a beautiful thing
to ask questions and to learn from those who have gone before you. Many of my motherhood
victories happened by sheer imitation. I’ve learned a lot from the wise mamas
with whom I’ve had the blessing of rubbing shoulders. But I’ve also
painstakingly learned that sometimes, okay, many times, the advice of mommy
mentors and friends just doesn’t work for your family, and that is okay. As a
hypothetical—okay, personal example, if you’re implementing surefire Babywise
techniques and your little one refuses to consistently sleep through the night
until 10 months of age, no sweat! The Spirit is with you in the midst of that
middle of the night feeding. Don’t frustratedly miss out on him because
whatever method you’re implementing isn’t “working” the same way it did for
others. This is hard for someone like myself. I love systems and formulas, but
I know in my heart it’s a good thing our earthly plans aren’t always
“successful.” If we could achieve all of our parenting goals by reading books
or talking with friends, we wouldn’t need Jesus. The methods aren’t bad, but we’re
missing the greatest security of all when we fall back on them instead of him.
Reminder #2: Resist
comparison like it’s a disease.
Hadley recently overcame her first sickness at 11 months of
age: Hand, Foot, and Mouth disease. Woof. If you’re reading and you don’t have
kids I trust you’re utterly disgusted, so I’ll refer to it as HFM from this
point forward. The HFM virus spreads through contact with objects an infected
person has touched, contact with their bodily fluids, or, get this, THE AIR. Basically,
if you’re under six and you’re around a kid that has HFM, the odds are against
you. Kiddos don’t show symptoms until days after they’ve caught it, so they run
around unknowingly infecting others. The transmission of this contagious sickness
is similar to that of comparison. It can happen even before you see it coming
and in a number of ways: comparison to other mamas, comparison to your pre-baby
self, comparison to your ideal self, comparison to other kiddo’s development,
or their clothing, or their toys, and the list goes on. Speaking from experience, it is like a toxic disease that will only lead to one of two things:
dissatisfaction or defeat. It puts us at odds with ourselves, other mamas, and
as cliché as it sounds (thanks to the well-known quote), it will wreck havoc on
our joy. But comparison isn’t something
you can just resolve to stop doing. Trust me, I’ve tried. There’s no way to
eradicate it alone. We need Jesus, the healer of all disease, sickness, and
infirmity to give us a new set of eyes: eyes that see both others and ourselves
through the lens of grace.
Reminder #3: Show others
as much grace as you expect them to show you.
When you get pregnant it’s like you’re growing a giant
bulls-eye on your stomach that says, “OVER HERE! Direct all of your pregnancy
and parenting advice towards me!” People will start dishing it out like free
candy on Halloween—minus the whole knocking on the door and saying,
“Trick-or-treat,” fun. Contrary to Halloween candy, lots of the time the advice
you receive as a mama comes from strangers. They may not know how to approach
your new, hormonal, and very-tired self in a gentle manner, which will likely
result in hurt feelings. People warned me that random people would freely
comment on the size, development, and behavior of my child, but it still
totally caught me off guard. After a few
startling instances, I determined to grow a thicker skin. I snarled my way
around the grocery store with a comeback in tow, ready to defend my baby from eager
advice-givers. That’s when it hit me. I need to be quick to respond to our
offenders in grace, instead of passing judgment on them. The parable of the
servant in Matthew 18 comes to mind. A man owed ten thousand talents to the
king. He should have lost everything, but his master pitied him and forgave him
of his debt. Moments later, the forgiven servant sought out another man who
owed him a small debt of only a hundred denarii. The forgiven servant proceeded
to choke the man and demand that he pay the debt. My point? I am like this servant
who has no place to be choke-holding anyone. Christ has forgiven me, the chief
of sinners, and I should overflow that same mercy and grace to others.
Reminder #4: Stop
trying to be the perfect parent.
Throughout pregnancy I read books on the birthing process, pored
over parenting blogs, researched the best baby gear, and took notes from my
aforementioned mommy mentors. In my quest to do the best thing for my baby I
came across the book, “Give them Grace,” by Elyse Fitzpatrick. Its message is
that your child doesn’t need a perfect parent. He or she needs Jesus. And by
the same token, you don’t need to be a perfect parent to prove anything to yourself,
your kid, or to others. You aren’t perfect! And that’s a beautiful thing,
because Jesus is. We can lay our
methods, our performance, and our expectations at the foot of the cross,
resolving to walk humbly, knowing that more than anything or anyone, we need Jesus.
The Gospel of grace must be central in all things, especially in our motherly
hearts. That is so incredibly freeing!
Last year’s dream has become reality. I’m typing while reclining
with a cup of (caffeinated) tea in hand and my almost one year old is fast
asleep in her crib. Looking down, I see unclenched fists, which were forced open
when surefire methods failed me. I feel contentment that can only come from delighting
in a Father who knows and loves both Hadley and myself more than I ever could. I
feel compassion towards those offering unsolicited advice. And more than ever,
I know my need to look away from myself and to look to Jesus, the author and perfecter
of my faith in all seasons, especially motherhood.
